Those moody little bastards are everywhere, and so are their cats. I was once told that cats are dogs for lazy people, and as a cat owner, I can attest to the fairness of that insulting simplification. I don’t have time to walk a dog thrice or even twice a day. If I wanted to do that, I’d have a child. All my little meow needs is to be fed twice a day, some sunlight, and a litter change once every few days. It’s more like having a cuddly houseplant than another soul I need to be responsible for.

Cat owners are a very particular group of people. We like specific shit for our furry little babies, and it is unlikely that we will settle for anything less than the absolute best, most charming, most adorable items available. Maybe you hate cats, or maybe you hate cat owners; your hate doesn’t negate the fact that there is probably one or both in your life, nor does your hate lessen the guilt you’ll feel if you fail at properly delivering on the office-mandated secret Santa drawing (sucks for you, you should have thought of that before you pulled their name from the hat). We’ve made it easy for you. Here are 5 things you can get for the cat-obsessed person in your life this holiday season.

This Minimalist Modern Cat Fountain

Little known fact about cats: they are naturally and rightfully skeptical of drinking stagnant water. They don’t want to consume water that might be growing bacteria or housing mosquito egg nests, etc. Cats prefer to and are prone to drinking from water sources that move, and there is an entire industry based around the design, production, and sale of cat fountains. While there are a lot of crappy black-cube-style cat fountains that get the job done, they don’t add anything to the space they’re in. Instead, choose a cat fountain with style.

This Omega Paw Ripple Board Scratch Massage Bed

Yeah, you’re right, it’s a $26 cardboard box. And not even an entire cardboard box, just the bottom bit. You’re right. Hear me out. This is the part of the cardboard box that cats like the most, and this is a far more durable, comfortable, stylish cardboard box than the shit boxes the cat’s probably been getting. Consider the motivation behind something like this: preservation. By providing the cat with a designated item to scratch and destroy, it will act as a sacrificial lamb, drawing your cat’s attention away from the other items in your house that you care about and your cat destroys, like your antique armchair, or the mesh on your vintage guitar amp. With the multi-layered scratching bed, the chin scratcher, and octagonal design, this is the best bottom-half-of-a-cardboard-box money can buy.

The Exercise Wheel by One Fast Cat

There is nothing more humiliating than being the owner of an overweight cat. My cat, Meow Meow Beans, is a whopping 18 pounds. That’s a big cat, and there is nothing more embarrassing than when people see her and say things like, ‘whoa, she’s huge! What do you feed her? Mayonnaise? Hahahaha!’ Why would that be what I feed her? Why would I be feeding my cat jars and jars of mayonnaise? That would be awful for her, and I love her, so she only gets the best food. The insinuation that I am a bad cat owner and would feed my cat something as strange and unhealthy as jars upon jars of mayonnaise is deeply hurtful. I am a good cat father, so I’ve put my Meow Beans on a strict exercise regime, and god willing, someone in my life will be kind enough to help me get my fur chunk back in shape by gifting me the One Fast Cat exercise wheel.

The Petsafe Bolt Interactive Laser Cat Toy

The automatic laser pointer is a classic and affordable cat toy. Additionally, how interesting is that as a gift? ‘I’ve bought you a robot that plays with your cat when you can’t be bothered to press a button and spin your hand around yourself.’ That isn’t a fair criticism. The Bolt Interactive Laser Cat Toy, like many other variations of the mirrored-laser pointer model have the option to randomize the laser’s movements to keep your cat entertained and interested, which is good for the predictable type like me. Like a worn-out Nintendo 64 game, my cat has memorized my pattern and has learned to beat it. She knows that I go left to right, then I go up the wall, and she’s gotten bored of it. Thank god for the Petsafe Bolt Interactive Laser Cat Toy.

Arf Pets Smart Automatic Wi-Fi Enabled Pet Feeder with HD Camera

As any cat owner will tell you, the worst part of having a cat is being away from your cat. For many of us (myself not included), we often have to leave the house to go to things like jobs or see friends – places where cats are not welcome. It is always a painful goodbye, and it isn’t long before we start to wonder what our little baby is up to all alone in our apartment. Perhaps they are sleeping, perhaps they are shitting, or perhaps they’re scratching the armrest of the fucking couch again. We hate when they do that. By linking your phone with the Arf Pets Smart Wi-Fi Enabled Pet Feeder with HD Camera, you can activate the HD camera and catch that little bastard in the act. Oh, and you can feed them, too.